I often wondered how the brain works and functions. I guess that's why I went into psychology. I have always had a fascination and wondered, what it is that makes people tick. It wasn't until I had to come face to face with what that actually looks like. Seeing it right in front of me and not quite understanding. I saw it as someone who was ungrateful and just didn't see the blessings they had in front of them. Once this person was no longer, I began to understand them. I can see clearly now the rain is gone or my tears have somewhat dried up, for now. I was so clouded by judgement, I couldn't see the root. I knew something was off. I pinpointed the onset, but still, I couldn't see through the cloud of pissed of glasses that I had on. I only moved in a space of responsibility and not grace. I am not excusing my behavior or making an excuse, I just didn't know how much it affects you when it's right there in your face.
I see why others showed grace. When addiction is coupled with depression and bipolar disorder, lordt it is something else. You don't know what's true, when are they really being genuine, a truth teller becomes a liar. You are somewhat forced to hope they aren't lying to you, because you get to a space where you think this time is the last time. THIS time I'm done for real. THIS time they aren't going to take advantage of me. However, there is always another moment of forgiveness and you can't help but to...help.
Not many people understood the stress I was enduring. Not many people understood that joking, silly and being happy all the time was a defense mechanism. I was a high functioning with depression. Some days it took all the strength in my physical, mental and emotional being to get out of bed and take care of my child. I really don't know or understand how I did it. I just kept moving, literally a zombie. I didn't get clinically diagnosed, but reading the DSM-5 its clear and to the point text book, high functioning depressive disorder. We don't always have a name for the thing that we feel or are going through, not that it's vastly supported in the black community (therapy), but I recognized it in myself.
I knew I would probably never be the version of myself that I thought I was after my Pops passed away. I did learn that I can overcome, persevere and move forward. Not many people can do that, and I stopped wanting to wear it as a cloak, or a badge of honor. I took my cape off and realized I needed to tell someone when I just can't today. I just can't get up, I just can't talk, I just can't be, so...Let. Me. Be. Tis the season for holiday depression (yes that's a real thing). This year especially has been trying for many people. This will be a whole helluvalot of people's first without a lot of family members. I wish you happy. I wish you love. I wish you light when it's just too damn dark. I wish you...whatever you need to get through. Depression can be debilitating, but the light on the other side, you can always get to!